I want to
claw at my skin
once again

But this time
it’s not because
there’s pain
that I’m avoiding

Instead
I believe
it’s because
I’m trying
to get through
the layers

The layers
that have
hidden
the real
version of me

I can hear
her screaming
as she’s
desperately seeking
a way out

So she can
breathe
and speak
and be seen

And clawing
at my skin
seems to be
the only way
I can think of
to excavate
the real me;

To find the source
of the
primal scream

A more
peaceful path
eludes me

As I fall back on
self loathing
self harming
shaming
and judging

All the while
wondering
why the screams
get louder

Without me getting
any nearer
to the source
of this
misery

And I know
I’ll never find her
until I’m ready to be
the compassionate version
of me

And until then
her screams
will continue
to haunt me

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