Some days I feel pretty normal-ish. Put together. Capable. Energetic. Lit up. Connected. Creative. Conversational.
And other days – days like today – I feel like I just cannot get into gear. I don’t want to do anything. I am slow to get anything started, let alone completed. I’m clumsy. And I fuck things up. I take the wrong turn on the way home from school, a route that I’ve taken a million times. And when I wrote this in my journal, I wrote ‘put gether’ instead of ‘put together’. I worry about whether I turned off the stove, or whether I sent the email to the wrong person.
On the ‘good days’ I really feel like I’ve finally ‘turned the corner’, and I am sure that every day will be a good day from here on out.
And then the ‘bad days’ come and I try to figure out what I did on the good days to make them good. What did I eat? How much sleep did I get? How did I spend my time?
And then I question whether it’s my hormones. Am I in a ‘bad’ part of my cycle? Is this because I am taking less progesterone (prometrium) in this part of my cycle? And I drive myself mad trying to figure it out.
And I wonder if it’s just the way it is in perimenopause. That hormone levels are really unpredictable, and all I can do is keep my daily diary of symptoms to talk to the doctor about when I see her in 2 more months.
I wonder if I would be able to have shit more ‘together’ if I was a man, and not dealing with these hormones my whole life. Pre-puberty. Puberty. Pregnancy. Post-partum. And now Perimenopause. A constant rollercoaster of symptoms that I seem so incredibly sensitive to. And I wonder why I am so hesitant to go on the pill (Slinda) that will stop my ovulation so I don’t have to deal with these ups and downs.
But I don’t know who the fuck I will be without all of these ups and downs. I think about when I’ve been overly medicated and have felt like a zombie with no creativity, no joy, no real lows but no real highs. Life in the middle isn’t as nice as it sounds.
I always want to come to some conclusion. To figure out this ‘life’ thing so I don’t have to be taken by surprise, or so I can be in control. So I can do all the right things in order to get all the outcomes I want. But the reality is that I can’t always control things. Some days are going to feel like I’ve gone all the way backwards (even though I haven’t actually regressed), and if I fall into the cycle of thinking that this is how I am always going to feel, I will just stay stuck longer.
And so I need to be sensitive to my needs. To enjoy when things are going well; to take advantage of the parts of my cycle that give me that extra energy – and to balance that with extra self-care and compassion rather than judgement when things are not going so well.