If all the ugly
were to course
out of me
what colour
would it be?

Somehow
I believe
it would be
green

Not the green
of spring
but the green
that’s not only
putrid
but is also
terrifying

And it’s not
going to come
out
in a smooth
clear stream

It’s thick
and oozy
and stuck
to the sides
of me

I’m a dead
girl
if I can’t
bleed this
out of me

I’m a dead
girl
if I can’t
let go
of the angry

And I’ve spent
what seems
like forever
picking at
my skin
just enough
to allow me
to breathe

But I’m still afraid
of what lies
beneath

I’m not sure
whose story
I’m willing
to believe

Is there a monster
or some other
kind of evil
desperate to be
unleashed?

Or is there
an innocent
child
keeping herself safe
by avoiding
being seen?

I can’t be
what all of you
wanted me to be

I’ll never be
what all of you
wanted me to be

You’ve bled me
dry
and stolen my
Anahata energy

And left behind
a girl stuck
with a sludgy
swampy
sticky
heart of green

And she’s tired
of struggling
through so much shit
just so she
can breathe

Her screams
are muffled
when she’s in
this density

And everyone sees
what they want
to see
when they view her
through all of
the layers
she’s caught beneath

And even if
she surfaced
and cracked herself
open
for all the world to see

Who she is
would be lost in translation
to all but a few
leaving her invisible
in the eyes
of the many

The grown up
and awakened
adult version
of me

Knows that
love and validation
from others
will never fill
this big empty

But the child inside
is still doing all she can
in order
to please

And living in
the insecurity
brought upon her
by conditioning

Can this adult me
reach out
and rescue
the child inside
that I’ve buried?

In my mind
I know I am her
and she is me

But in my heart
I am still
experiencing life
as a duality

All or nothing
black and white
thinking

Has taken the shine
off of my
crystalline purity

But it’s there
it’s there
it’s there
when I allow myself
to love me

If all the ugly
were to course
out of me
what colour
would it be?

Somehow
I believe
it would be
green

Not the green
of spring
but the green
that’s not only
putrid
but is also
terrifying

And it’s not
going to come
out
in a smooth
clear stream

It’s thick
and oozy
and stuck
to the sides
of me

I’m a dead
girl
if I can’t
bleed this
out of me

I’m a dead
girl
if I can’t
let go
of the angry

And I’ve spent
what seems
like forever
picking at
my skin
just enough
to allow me
to breathe

But I’m still afraid
of what lies
beneath

I’m not sure
whose story
I’m willing
to believe

Is there a monster
or some other
kind of evil
desperate to be
unleashed?

Or is there
an innocent
child
keeping herself safe
by avoiding
being seen?

I can’t be
what all of you
wanted me to be

I’ll never be
what all of you
wanted me to be

You’ve bled me
dry
and stolen my
Anahata energy

And left behind
a girl stuck
with a sludgy
swampy
sticky
heart of green

And she’s tired
of struggling
through so much shit
just so she
can breathe

Her screams
are muffled
when she’s in
this density

And everyone sees
what they want
to see
when they view her
through all of
the layers
she’s caught beneath

And even if
she surfaced
and cracked herself
open
for all the world to see

Who she is
would be lost in translation
to all but a few
leaving her invisible
in the eyes
of the many

The grown up
and awakened
adult version
of me

Knows that
love and validation
from others
will never fill
this big empty

But the child inside
is still doing all she can
in order
to please

And living in
the insecurity
brought upon her
by conditioning

Can this adult me
reach out
and rescue
the child inside
that I’ve buried?

In my mind
I know I am her
and she is me

But in my heart
I am still
experiencing life
as a duality

All or nothing
black and white
thinking

Has taken the shine
off of my
crystalline purity

But it’s there
it’s there
it’s there
when I allow myself
to love me

Copyright 2022-2023 © Jamie Hocking. All Rights Reserved.
PRIVACY POLICY  |
DISCLAIMER | TERMS OF SERVICE